A Creature of The Muse

Love, cynicism, creativity, apathy, promised, fear. all are idiosyncracies here.

After Abuse

So how do we come out of bad relationships, and go into good ones? How do you get so used to abuse and disfunction, and then go in to something healthy? You’d think it would be a relief, something safe and worthwhile. But it’s hard. It’s hard to treat this new, decent person, in a way a lover deserves to be treated. Why? Because you’re used to being berated for needing to talk about how you feel, or jealous outbursts for smiling while you talk about co-workers after a fun day at work. Everything bad is still in the fore of your mind, and you don’t remember what beginnings are like. You don’t remember the nervous kisses and butterflies. You don’t remember someone trying to get to know you, wanting to. You don’t know how to talk about yourself, or the problems you’re used to having, so initial communication, which is hard enough to get used to, is even harder. Can I say this about my ex, or will it upset them? You find yourself walking on the same egg shells, even though they aren’t there anymore. How do we learn to move on, when the fear is all still real? Some things don’t show up until you’re staring new love in the face. And it isn’t easy. 

Inferior,
plain,

lack-luster. 

Nothing but a blur behind a lens.